Tuesday, February 26, 2013

My Father's Love for Me

It is hard to believe that it has been 5 months since the twins were healed.  There are times when it still seems so unreal.  A couple of days ago we took the kids to get an ice cream at our favorite local ice cream shop.  Before we had LittleM and LittleR we used to go for ice cream pretty frequently (it is after all Shawn's favorite treat).  After we realized the kids couldn't eat food we didn't do anything food related.  I do remember one night when my sister was visiting us from Maine when we ran to grab a cone after the kids were in bed.  Another time I remember running after the kids had gone to bed and bringing an ice cream back for Shawn and I.  It certainly wasn't the same as the late summer nights Shawn and I used to sit on the benches and watch the night sky turn deep dark blue while laughing and soaking in the simple summer ritual of going for ice cream.  Sneaking ice cream after our 3 year old twins went to bed somehow wasn't so sweet.  It was nothing at all like the many times I can remember at Bruster's with my nieces and nephews.  Oh the running and dancing - the laughter and joy - all those oldies on the load speaker - we missed that didn't we...

But Saturday, it was all so different and so surreal.  LittleR finished his free baby cone super fast and climbed in the front of the car to sweetly implore daddy for some of his (he thought he was so smooth - like we had no idea what he was really trying to accomplish!).  LittleM joined us up front sitting on the little armrest in between the two front seats.  She sat there efficiently licking her ice cream cone.  This was the first time she actually got the hang of the lick and twirl maneuver we all take for granted!  I sat there quietly - just sort of struck but what I was looking at.  Shawn doesn't like to think about the past - how things were.  I don't want to dwell there, but I don't want to forget either.  I know these moments are sometimes surreal for him too, but I also know that as a mother - created to nourish my children - this all has effected me in a different way.  

It really has effected me.  I am so struck lately when I realize just how much this experience has changed me.  I don't think I can even express the ways in which it has.  What I feel most though is overwhelmed by my father's love for me.  I feel overwhelmed to know that he took the darkness of this journey and showed me hidden treasures. Beautiful. 

"And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness--secret riches. I will do this so you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, the one who calls you by name." Isaiah 45:3

Still he was ready and willing to manifest His healing touch in our lives.  I don't think for one second that it was the will or plan of God for my children to be sick.  I truly don't.  I find myself a part of a Pentecostal church - and believing in a God who is truly the same yesterday, today, and forever.  But thank you Father, that even in the darkness you met me right where I was and brought beauty from ashes.

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory." Isaiah 61:3 

These days we live like a normal family.  We try to eat really well - Weston A. Price style of nutrition, but at other people's homes or out we eat whatever is being served.  There are times when i battle "mommy guilt" that the nutrition is not perfect - after all before they were healed the kids' diet HAD to be perfect (all organic, all grass-fed, etc.).  But I am reminded that my hope is not in the food - it never was.  My hope is in HIM.  As he leads us we believe he will keep us.

Still, my heart is very heavy these days.  My heart is heavy for all of the families whose little ones are still not well.  My heart is heavy for the mommies who are tired and who don't know what to do.  My heart is heavy for the mommies who feel like they have or are failing their children.  My heart hurts for the hurting, the broken, those who can barely keep from breaking apart.  I know the darkness.  I also know that it is the Lord will comfort and lift you up.

"But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."  Isaiah 40:31

And I am doing the only thing that I can do for these moms...I am praying for you.  

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